The Great Indoors

I am a die-hard indoorsman.

I don't like to sleep outside. I don't like it when little mice run across my sleeping bag. I don't like having to check my sleeping bag for rattlesnakes (I hate rattlesnakes). I don't like sleeping when there are mosquitoes buzzing around my head. I don't like sleeping on top of a small rock. I don't like sleeping on an air mattress that deflates in the middle of the night leaving me on top of a small rock.

I don't like being dirty. I don't like having greasy hair. I don't like having a choice between dirty underwear and no underwear. I don't like having to bathe in an icy cold mountain stream when the sun has dipped below the horizon.

I don't like going to the bathroom behind a tree. I don't like going to the bathroom in a pit toilet that was vandalized by a previous occupant. I don't like using leaves as toilet paper.

I don't like eating freeze dried food. It never looks as good as it does on the label. I don't like fiddling with a cranky stove to use half of my fuel supply to make a pot of bad coffee. I don't like having to run my water through a filter to keep me from spending the next few months fighting off a wicked case of diarrhea.

I do however, like to hike. There is nothing better than walking up a mountain trail while breathing in clean air. I have dreams of walking all over this great country of ours. I just don't dream of having to sleep outside.

I have seen walking tours of Great Britain and Ireland. You walk along trails through the countryside, stopping in pubs for lunch and dinner, and spending the night in B&B's.

That is my kind of backpacking trip. Good food, good beer, a warm shower, and a comfortable bed. That would be awesome.