Sunday, January 6, 2008

I Went to Church

Because of my schedule I rarely go to church. I was off work yesterday so I went for the first time in several months. I had read our pastor's e-mail about the weekend services and was prepared to be disappointed. It sounded lame. You see, I am deeply cynical.

What I got instead was a metaphorical punch in the face. The sermon was "Restored: to Live Anew." A singer named Sylvia Lange was helping to lead worship and then she gave her testimony. She spoke about how she had tried to fill the hole in her life with work, relationships, and "church." She told about a night when she wanted to die. She went to a neighbor's house (who she didn't know) and spent the night talking to the husband and wife. About this point in her testimony I lost it.

I was trying very hard to keep my composure. I try not to cry in church, because... well... um... because I'm a cynical a--hole. I always pretend that everything is okay when I'm in church. I put on the smile and crank up the charm. I wouldn't want the people at church to know that I am filled with doubt and anger. So I just pretend everything is okay.

Tabitha leaned over while Sylvia was speaking and said, "You look completely bored." I wasn't bored. I was just trying not to lose it completely.


A-dub said...

Just so you know dude, I am filled with doubt and anger some weeks. The Cynicism is always down there inside, waiting for some silly teaching that I don't agree with and it comes bubbling to the surface.

Glad that Sylvia's message was able to wallop you.

Judy said...

Your wife might have more respect for you if you express the emotions that you try to bury. Just a thought.